December 14, 2008 — Peking. Like the Greatest Generation’s doughty moral struggle against our implacable enemies, the show is over but the fallout and thousands upon thousands of incinerated schoolchildren remain. These are the secrets of the election and its candidates that – while shared by other intrepid truth-seekers elsewhere – are published by It Is *Dancing*!!!! as an exclusive Internet scoop. Ladies and gentlemen, hold onto your dicks, cuz here come the mohel:

1. Whitey Houston has only ever been interested in American electoral politics because the Vietnamese government does not feature competitive elections.
2. Triggerina Hunter-Ruger, KBE is, to speak literally, a figment of the liberal media’s imagination.
3. The Right Honorable Neil Kinnock, PC has been controversially willing to acknowledge that living in a post-industrial hellhole isn’t a miraculous adventure that makes one into an honest-hearted racist simpleton.
4. Hitlerina de Vil spent two weeks incognito in Italy, fervently hoping that brief physical contact in a recent debate would cause her to catch the Black.
5. Bruce Hideki Wayne actually lost the election to Libertarian candidate John W. Galt, but has been deliberately hiding this as an admittedly hilarious prank.
6. Dark-horse Hispanic candidate C. Yancey Vanderbilt IV, Esq was denied political viability primarily by a Q&A session in which he unwittingly revealed that he had no idea that the banks are run by Jews from Hungary.
7. Li’l Orphan Ralphie, as a result of his wife’s double-dog dare, has only read the right third of newspapers since 1994.
8. And as a result of that, he became convinced several years ago that George Bush fils had robbed him of the Presidency, and set up an adorable little Oval Office with portraits of famous dead blacks and everything.
9. Due to the outmoded belief that the primary means of death by gunshot is lead poisoning, Whitey Houston has been mailing his opponent spent bullets ever since his name appeared in the national media in 2007. Unfortunately, far from killing him, Whitey’s inadvertent use of the largest bullets he could find — made of depleted uranium — has turned him into a superhero.
10. Pendejo ‘Jellybean’ Brighamyoung Junior makes his dogs wear Mormon undergarments – not under any delusions as to the nature of either, but rather owing to his well-documented contempt for dogs.
11. Pron Haul‘s undoing was, according to his followers, refusing to recognize the electorally crucial issue of Texan independence.
12. Whitey Houston‘s ad endorsement blurbs are all actually sampled from a 2000 ad, as every blurb since has been marred by the comical misstep in which he confesses to have sodomized and murdered a drifter down Nogales way. In reality, Nogales’s elevation is actually higher than you would think.
13. Bug-fuck insane detractors’ claims that Bruce Hideki Wayne is not a natural US citizen are actually correct, although this is primarily because US citizenship law until 1988 categorically denied citizenship to, among other groups, any ‘Five-O nigger’.
14. An urban legend suggests that, upon learning at a hockey game the results of the Democratic contest, then-Governator Triggerina Hunter-Ruger, KBE quietly stated, “Looks like Sambo beat the bitch“. In reality, she is only on record as having said this at a cockfight.
15. Each and every Presidential candidate tacitly endorsed a programme of domestic and foreign tyranny on a scale that would have been called fascist in 1936. On the other hand, frozen pudding has been called fascist before.
16. No American actually voted for any candidate for national office. In truth, they voted for state slates in the electoral college, so named because they comprise quick men whose mastery of blackboards allows them to coordinate with superhuman speed bets on — and results of — the Israeli deliberatory committee that selects the President of the United States.
17. Mick ‘Texarkana Fats’ Jonestown believes Jesus created the dinosaurs. This is not so much a joke as a grim reminder of what fully a fifth of Americans have wrong with them.
18. Did you know that The Right Honorable Neil Kinnock, PC is old? We sure didn’t! Holy shit.
19. Both national conventions were run by multinational corporations with abusive labor relations and unimaginable political clout – respectively Pepsi-Cola and The US Department of Corrections.
20. The 2008 election was the first time in US history that any of the four national candidates were, in relative terms, poor. (Bear in mind that, the government being what it is, ‘poor‘ means principally that he is not a multi-millionaire.) This seems to have been extremely damaging to his party, whose opponents know – like all Americans – that the poor are elitist, tax-and-spend intellectuals who look up their noses at the real American salt of the earth who can actually afford teeth whitening and oral sex.
21. Speaking of blowjobs, they are the only possible reason for Whitey Houston‘s vice-presidential pick.
22. Bruce Hideki Wayne, as a successful black man, is actually married to a white woman. His ostensible or television wife is actually long-out-of-work Wesley Snipes.
23. Because *Dancing*!!!! is a CBS affiliate, we are not legally allowed to tell you whether Elvis Gandalfovich donates enormous amounts of political capital and energy to the interests of or stokes the useless and radical regulatory class envy of obsolete labor unions.
24. Similarly, we cannot say whether bitter followers of Hitlerina de Vil, or PUMAs, were 155% of the Democrat Party constituency brought together in underdogdom to unseat the hated Moor and his Marxist netroots or a few bald bloggers, pseudo-feminists, and other bigots whose appeal to right-wing sleaze-men made them a media staple out of proportion to their Bayh-like numbers.
25. Bruce Hideki Wayne intends to tax your millions so heavily that you cannot afford bullets, in keeping with a long-established black scheme against the republic. Also, thanks to him, the United States is now in fact a democracy, taking away its valuable corruption and leaving it without its prior ability to declare war 50% of the time – until it builds the United Nations.