Arbeit Macht Free Willy

One of the favorite tricks of the radical right is to pretend that their opponents have little respect for the tragic cost of human life. In a recent imbroglio, various people who thought of themselves as experts on the Holocaust sneered at the possibility of the Nazis using To each his own as a motto.

Pop history is history enough for most.

Trainshumanism Pt. 1

THESE United States have provided to the world, as shall doubtless pale in comparison to posterity, the very model of the geometric growth of men and wealth, & all respectable populationists assert that, should we as God made manifest close our shores to the Celestial and Slavic menace, the corrupt fecundity of to-day’s Papist and Deseretman shall be drowned as surely by our swelling numbers as the same heathens shall in good time be drowned in the Colorado & its tributaries in the coming century of good government.
But even this grand growth of the number of Christian men shall not compare to the eternal surge of white betterment by means of the rail-road. I shall withal to all men of good wisdom reveal the nature of the coming rail-transit singularity & conclusively prove that to all human misery, Marxism & Georgism & other anarchists, and alternative modes of transport (including even the grand and glorious tall-ship) the engine bears in its consist a doom as sure as the late end of Massa’s wantless provender for the Negro race. And though we shall doubtless face all manner of challenge and terror in the coming dominion of the steam engine – as those innocents quailing in the pacific Germanies at Napoleon’s relentless sponsorship of the chemin-de-fer would readily confide – it is worth it simply to stand at the boundless frontier of a promised-land free of rivers, women, and the loathsome opium tariff. Join me, your humble & obedient servant and engineer, when next ☞Dancing!!! sees fit to serialize my work.

How To Kill An Atheist

1. Hit him in the neck with a brick.
2. Take his space helmet away at the last minute.
3. Set him on fire.
4. Wait about a century.
5. Nail him to a tree.
6. Shoot him often enough.
7. Shoot him too often.
8. Keep his hospital from treating his cancer.
9. Hit him near the neck with a brick.
10. Break him with a wheel.
11. Put him in a gas chamber for being a Jew.
12. Let him eat nothing but brass.
13. Delegate it to a mob het up by his honoring his Iraq-casualty sibling’s lack of faith.
14. Bombard him with a fatal level of radiation after his grip on the screwdriver holding you away from the other plutonium hemisphere slips.
15. Keelhaul him.
16. Break him without a wheel.
17. Put him in a gas chamber for having a shitty lawyer.
18. Find a way to give him kwashiorkor.
19. Hit a brick with his neck.
20. Pulp up a McSweeneys and feed it to him with arsenic.
21. Put him in Lyndon Johnson’s way.
22. Carve out his heart and eat it with chili to make sure the sun will rise next year.
23. With kindness and a dirk.
24. With just the dirk.
25. Get him and his idiot friend drunk and have them reenact that pencil thing the Joker did.
26. Wait until he’s black and about to use the phone and then shove him in front of a NYPD officer.
27. Put him in between fundamentalist oil warlords and wait.
28. Give him a blood transfusion before the vector for HIV is fully understood.
29. The same way that one guy did in that urban legend.
30. Use the brick again.
31. With a laser.
32. Provoke a nuclear war with needlessly aggressive military maneuvers just inside of Warsaw Pact radar.
33. Rob him of his manhood in the worst war in modern history and wait for machismo to take its course.
34. Refuse to heed warnings about the cold weather on Cape Canaveral.
35. Rend him asunder with a series of dogs.
36. Fill his uterus with air.
37. Botch any surgery you like.
38. Sandblast him.
39. Tell the Don about his wire.
40. Convince him to punch the President.
41. Leave him to the mercy of savage explorers with foreign germs.
42. With a .22, but don’t kill a mockingbird – they bring nothing but joy to the world.
43. Charge the stage and gut him with a katana.
44. Encourage him with likeable teen-oriented characters to regard a dangerous, addictive, and expensive habit as cool and desirable.
45. Grenade up the ass.
46. Get your running mate to convince a bunch of terrified wingnut cowards he’s a Muslim.
47. Too much or too little water.
48. Rip out his gonads and his head.
49. Treat his clearly suicidal behavior as part and parcel with his avant-garde literature.
50. Just keep shitting on him until he stops moving.
51. Bury him face-down in the sun.
52. Anthropomorphize large predators, render him retarded, and put him in the zoo.
53. Fire him from a cannon.
54. Just shoot him with the cannon.
55. Work him to death.
56. Literally throw him under the bus.
57. Pay him so much money to engage in highly competitive ceremonialized bloodsport that he is essentially forced to use performance-enhancing drugs, and wait for him to die of either injury or cirrhosis.
58. Go for the soft spot.
59. Use him as a pinata.
60. Manhandle him until he winds up in front of the third rail and pisses himself.
61. Paint him a completely unrealistic picture of ‘natural’ childbirth and let him exsanguinate a fifth of the time.
62. Fuck his brains out in a slasher pic.
63. Fuck his brains out anywhere else.
64. Drop a sledgehammer on him from a great height.
65. Really, anything that gets his brains out will do.
66. Throw a brick at his face.
67. Miss and hit him in the neck with a brick.
68. Have him help sign up and protect black voters in the 60s.
69. Convince him you need to practice your chainsawing.
70. Throw a series of switches after he has bade his heartwarming cinematic farewell.
71. Make sure he’s an Anne Rice character.
72. Punch a bunch of holes in his scuba gear.
73. Shoot him with a neurotoxin-tipped dart for invading your isolated clan’s territory.
74. Tell an important Russian he’s a communist / kulak.
75. Wait until September 9, 1976, assuming he’s Mao Zedong.
76. Tell your friends specific details about his ship’s route and cargo for no real reason.
77. Hook him on drugs and keep them illegal.
78. Get one of the other Minutemen to find the water they leave out for him and salt it.
79. Drive a wooden stake into his heart with a stout hammer.
80. Paint him with gold paint all the way and shiv him repeatedly.
81. Syphilis.
82. Marry an even older one and you won’t have to.
83. Keep on pistolwhipping him – it’s not as easy as the movies make it look.
84. Order the opposing gladiator to kill him.
85. Make him pretty and leave him in prison or the Eastern Front.
86. Keep air away from his brain.
87. Deliberately ignore him as you bulldoze Palestinian homes.
88. Piss on him, assuming you piss hydrofluoric acid.
89. Leave him unsupervised in his crib.
90. Participate in a culture of perfection which encourages him to out-pretty the other girls by starving himself.
91. Teach him the Method and film a Howard Hughes biopic with him.
92. Leave him to fend for himself in the cold ruins of American industry.
93. Get him to catch your darts.
94. Convince him that communism poses a grave threat to his homeland that can only be averted by surrendering his civilian life and killing things in a South Asian jungle, then wait until he falls onto a bunch of sticks with shit on them.
95. Cut him up and leave him in the refrigerator purely to screw with his husband, your superpowered nemesis.
96. Beat him to death with a plastic explosive.
97. Put him in Thunderdome until the law of averages wins out.
98. See to it he has incriminating information on the Clintons, then, with a solid axe, break open his ribs from behind and pull out his lungs.
99. Have a blacksmith forge him by mistake.
100. Tee him up to kick the football, and then – in an oft-repeated and soon-iconic moment symbolizing to a generation of Americans the caprice of luck, expectations, society, and the opposite sex, hit him in the neck with a brick.

To Set Niemöller Aspin In His Grave

With apologies to Scott -

“In 2008, we ran an angry geezer and a crazy moose-hunter, but we didn’t go far enough right. In 2012, we ran the crazy moose-hunter and a plumber/country singer/professional bald man, but we didn’t go far enough right. In 2016, we ran a doughy giggler who touched himself and made high-pitched gawping noises whenever he saw a woman, and a street preacher who screamed “HOMONUPS NEVER!” over and over during his speeches, but we didn’t go far enough right. In 2020, we ran a clone of Adolf Hitler and a bucket of frozen embryos, but we didn’t go far enough right. In 2024…”

First they elected a moderate paleocon,
And I said nothing, because fuck atheists.
Then they elected an angry old man,
And I said nothing, because fuck Clinton.
Then they elected a spic-loving nepotist,
And I said nothing, because fuck the poor.
Then they elected a hardline right-wing race-baiter,
And I said nothing, because fuck the blacks.
Then they elected a shrieking empty suit to whip up angry crowds,
And I said nothing, because fuck most of America.
And when the time came for me to say something,
There was no one left to elect.

I blame the liberal media.
Fags.

BREAKING – MUST CREDIT *DANCING*

SAMBO BEATS BITCH; ASKS AMERICA FOR COOPERATION, RESOLVE, LOCATION OF WHITE WOMEN

The Emperor Has Intrinsic Authority To Throw Children To Lions (As Long As They’re Not Grown Adults Pretending To Be Children)

Max Hardcore pays a young masochist to get kicked around for commercial gain, he goes to jail.

John Woo condemns millions of friends, enemies, and citizens of America alike to horrifying torture and death (almost all of it directly and obscenely lascivious and corrupt) primarily to satisfy some kind of sick partisan fealty, he winds up in line for a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

And the election is, of course, now about whether or not the candidate opposed to this sat at the same table as a jumped-up hippie anarchist.

Stop the planet of the apes, I want to get off.

Heartbeat

A heartbeat away from the Presidency if McCain should win is a woman who is mostly a shameless thief; her instincts are a bandit’s and her loyalties are a mobster’s.

She deliberately destroyed the world’s largest sockeye fishery for no better purpose than the profit margins of some Goddamn mining consortium; she likes to pretend that she’s a loyal Christian but she’s got that same evangelical fixation on her own petty, ridiculous issues – treating a pipeline like an object of saintly veneration, conscripting children (who Jesus of course admires more than anything, so long as they’re white) to pray with her (TV cameras rolling – Heaven forbid we not be noticed in our piety, good Philistines we are) for a fucking pipeline.

I like to say pat things about the terrible mick fuckers who squint on their million-dollar TV programs to convince the audience they’re extra special pious, but they at least have a concept of piety divorced even conceptually from their own bottom line. Palin literally believes God is smiling on her petty graft.

In the course of doing so, of course, she scammed money from the government. The gesture means more than the amount – $600 would seem pathetic to someone like her – after all, she doesn’t share the daily difficulties of the working class, and for her $600 is not a month’s rent but pocket change to be spent on a flight and a lunch; she’s stolen much larger amounts, but they all follow the same basic logic.

She has a basically fascist concept of society – it doesn’t seem at all out of place for her to requisition money to pray for a pipeline in public, nor to spend $400,000 campaigning against common sense or campaign actively against her own government on the basis of its incoherence with her private worldview. She’s been doing it since she was a small-time operative; before she became a fearless Duce for Alaska, she played the same role in Wasilla, waging a D’Annunzian war against a local librarian whose insufficient zeal for censoring moral turpitude revealed too little support for the mayor – in her own words.

Her speeches since she became nationally prominent have all been great fulminations against civil society – grand proclamations of the uselessness of community organizing, the inefficacy of private society and the transcendent beauty of the state. Small wonder she has an Objectivist fan-club devoted to scouring every black mark on her character from the public record – no human being has been as shameless about their political bankruptcy since Rand sang and danced for fascist Italy. She has no concept of power unless it be divorced from the power of life and death; no concept of good unless it be enslaved to the crusade against evil; and nothing but contempt for any people decadent enough to refuse any power to their rightful Leaders.

This is not just another rant about the inexplicable rise of the Basileus of Wasilla, however hilariously it lays bare a truth about the American right too terrible to explain directly. Her fascism – and here the word is so literal I actually feel ashamed for using it on people who simply exhibited surreal enthusiasm for power rather than openly worshipping it – is not so much a governing principle as a malignant worldview, a festering, evil rotting of the soul. Like any other aspiring autocrat, she has no power over the demoniac pull of her ink-black spiritual abyss – she simply feels its compelling claw, understands beyond understanding that eternal urge to triumph through faith.

No: the one thing Palin can understand, the one emotion she can be counted on to exhibit, is contempt for things outside of her domain. Like the nearly erotic terror the idea of art and culture divorced from tradition aroused in the Nazis and their sympathizers, anything that she cannot clump into her own stilted, corrupt experience – the Pinochetian cosmos of greed, grasping Nietzchian wills and impossibly complicit victims – is an impossible beast, something to be set alight and trampled underfoot. Anything that is not part of the rat-race must become fuel for that which is.

This is the common theme we see in what she does where there is no clearly understandable profit motive. We can exercise the benefit of the doubt and suppose that her militant contempt for ANWR might just be the hand of big oil up her ass, and we could similarly paint her willingness to rip her own state’s future as a tourist haven to shreds as the impossible desperation of a miner’s whore in an incipient ghost-town.

But we cannot by these means explain the wolves.

Like that filthy monster Reagan – dead before the public ever knew his name and shambling about even now these four years after his mouldering body at last followed his conscience and memory in giving up the ghost – she hates the world in a way functioning human beings find impossible to understand. Reagan insisted that the redwoods and other precious parts of our nation’s most populous, diverse, and essentially American state were interchangeable logging stock; even that had some surreal, warped basis in economic impulse. But Palin goes beyond this.

She offers men who think of themselves as hunters, responsible men of the world, a hundred and fifty dollars each to destroy wolves. She has been warned by people who understand ecology, even those – like the Republicans for Environmental Protection mentioned by Dolan – who share her culture’s insistence that the place of nature is under the dominion of man. Unlike any other hunters in the first world, the methods she favors – methods that shameless thief’s thief spent $400,000 of the state’s money to encourage at the polls – are mechanically efficient. We are not dealing with boar-stickers or deer-slayers; these women and men are intimate with the idea of death and share a kind of spiritual concern for the animals they destroy. They are often not the most ecologically-minded of people, but they are united by a vague idea of sport.

Palin, aiming to correct their ludicrous inefficiency, suggested they machine-gun the wolves by Cessna. To her, not only is the idea of the wolf repellant but so is the idea of the wolf meeting a human end. She can understand humans preying on big game – even if she does not understand, as ecologists now do and as sport hunters always have, that their fellow predators play a vital role in weeding out the weak and sick and keeping the big game strong – but the idea of something hunting out of hunger is alien to her, and so is the idea of competition with mercy. Wolves must be destroyed; the strong must destroy the weak even when forebearance serves them just as well.

Here, thus, we can record the only principle Palin has ever exhibited in any of her forty-four years: that God put us on Earth to strafe the wolves. I am no Christian, but I’m not sure what Christ would say about this.

My Pet Conspiracy Theories

The Stanford-Yale Oreo, or the Texas Graduate: Dubya and Condi: fuckin’. They know they’ll never get caught because there’s a media and political smokescreen around their private lives, and nobody really goes snooping for Republican sexual antics (case in point – you think a senior Dem senator being picked up for toilet sex would have stayed off the news for three or four months?), but it appeals perfectly to them both, and in both cases it might just be a sort of Pareto-optimal peccadillo.
Bush is the kind of right-wing evangelical jackass for whom the only esctasy is the self-destructive esctasy of a lapsed puritan, the only thrill the thrill of pushing one’s personal debasement to the limit; he had the pleasure and shame wires crossed a long time ago, and between cheating on his wife and sleeping with a black subordinate, it’s difficult to imagine the good-ol’-boy finding any more shame-driven eroticism without being gay or into crack whores. For Condi’s part, we find a reasonably intelligent and attractive woman with an extremely scant sexual history, but the documented partners are all big, strong guys, and fairly socially powerful as well – NFL players, suits, that kind of thing. The impression I get is an extremely powerful, dominant personality who is primarily submissive when it comes to sex – and besides Dick Cheney (who despises her), the President is the only man in America who could dominate her.

If they aren’t fucking now they have in the past, and if they haven’t it’s probably been from conscious effort and for the worse. And the Condi-Georgie-Laura triangle it forms is a perfect example of the relatively tame but personally horrifying sex lives the Republicans are famous for – the Democratic frontrunners in this race, after all, are respectively a couple with more genuine chemistry and mutual respect than have ever been in the Oval Office and a couple who, while by all indications sexually estranged, value each other enough as thinkers and as people that the idea of ending their personal partnership is unthinkable. (Rather like Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, although roughly reversed in relative intelligence, family influence, and convictions.) By contrast, Palin and her husband both think of her as a baby factory and the less said about McCain’s horrifying relationship history the better.

The Big State Pepperpot, or The Yellow Rose of Alaska: Sarah Palin: Ron Paul in a clever disguise. You might think the children would be a dead giveaway, but he is an obstetrician.

Cee Bee Yoosta Bee or Spitball, Snowball – Same Difference: The Republican Party grooms strategic Yoostabees from the ranks of Blue Dogs for political gain and has been doing so regularly since at least 1994. It’s Lieberman now, and while it wound up being Zell Miller in 2004 I strongly suspect that it was supposed to be James Traficant.

Mighty Morphine Bowery Dangers or Why Cindy, What Big Eyes You Have: The main purpose of the war on drugs is to criminalize any kind of relief from the grind of everyday life, ignoring as it does any drugs readily available to people outside of that grind. Wackily far-out, I know, but it’s so crazy it just might work.

Marxism for the Master Class

John McCain doesn’t believe America’s political elite is capable of surviving without enemies; his view is the sort of crass, facile anti-American pabulum you wouldn’t expect out of a young Trotskyite from Britain, let alone a successful politician ostensibly in the American mainstream.

We are to believe, per McCain, that America is incapable of coexisting with any independent power; that we have nothing but nemeses and vassals; that the world can be productively divided into the Country of God and the Land of Eternal War.

If you ask him about class, no doubt he’d tell you (if he weren’t lying through his teeth, that is) that each class is locked in an eternal, essential struggle to protect their own interests – and that unless the poor are trampled underfoot with sufficient vigor, his wealthy overclass is doomed to suffer – and this is bound to have a knock-on effect for him.

It’s a ridiculous spectacle to watch someone who honestly buys into Marxism of the master class; they invariably wind up beggaring parody, straining and taxing themselves immeasurably to cut the throats of people with nothing against them. We know that his version of America involves not just defending My Lai and Haditha, Kent State and Florida, but relying on it – that he literally cannot imagine respecting a country that doesn’t incinerate orphans, brutalize dissent, and rend the world astride like a damnable colossus. The malign behavior of the overclass is, for him, not a means justified by any end but an end in and of itself. Nixon bombed Cambodia for some tangible advantage; McCain would have done it to teach those fucking gook-a-likes a lesson.

One imagines, if he survives another decade, he’ll look for a nuclear plant to run on the cheap with a gay manservant.

‘Owners of the world, unite,’ cautions Jesus in McCain’s world. ‘You have nothing worth keeping but your slaves.’

I used to think that the way right-wingers described Satanism was simply stupid and unimaginative – I had never imagined that it was envious.

Memorandum to Mr. Helms

You just had to go and die on the Fourth of July.

After all that time you spent making America a shittier place, it’s only fitting you’d go and ruin its founding holiday; to clog our papers with obituaries – like the arteries the tobacco lobby (which, hand firmly in ass, darkened North Carolina with your rotting frame for generations) helps to clog all over this green Earth; that you would find some way to make your death as disgusting as your life. That anyone ever mistook you for a human being is a damning indictment on our species; that you were white makes me wish the Irish weren’t these days, or at least that black-face were socially acceptable. I would that Hell existed if only to place you in it, and would more strongly than I do now that Heaven did not just to keep you out of it.

You shat up my country for just shy of eighty-seven years, and if there is any justice in this universe your corpse will just keep on expanding until it bursts, and no coffin ever made will keep the smell of rancid shit from the human waste who come to mourn you.

I’d call you a son of a bitch, Jesse Helms, but Josef Mengele wouldn’t have deserved to give birth to you and Pol Pot wouldn’t deserve to have called you a son. If your mother had the dignity evolution bequeathed to the scarab, she’d have spent every year from 1921 to her all-too-late death suppressing the urge to tear out her own ovaries. God willing, some day we’ll figure out what we can excise to atone ourselves of you.

Via Sadly, No – and, inexplicably, the fucking White House.

Blogatelle II: Electric Boogaloo

Either of us can pretty much blanket vouch anything Sadly, No! does (in my case, the only exceptions have mostly to do with China), but this is a particularly magnificent study in presidential shitheadedry and worth reading and savoring, like a fine wine – woody, with a faint savor of maize.

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