EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: DICK WOLF

Blogatelle XII: Glenn Greenwald, Shrill Left-Woman

Nuuuuh! Looks like the paranoid lefties’n Realist swine think a coupla troops add up t’martial law! Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk.

Jesus Christ. While I’m used to how consistently wrong the establishment’s favorite line (back the badge, then backpedal) winds up being, it’s rare to see it revealed wrong so goddamn quickly. The militarization of the convention police departments (especially the RNC’s) was regarded as a necessary precaution against radicals; and even reliable liberals ignored what amounted to the decision of the securitarian establishment to throw the Third Amendment out (evidently out of spite, because Jesus, the third amendment? Was ignoring fishing licensing too much work or something?) – and now we have clear signs that the country plans to have a full division stationed domestically – and live.

Falling empires tend to take one of two trajectories: a grand moment of clarity and the sloughing of the imperial clothes after a bitter external struggle (the Netherlands; France; the UK) or violent, overcompensatory oppression of their home subjects in ways pioneered in the Empire (Russia). I was hoping that we would have the former; turns out that our professional death-squad cheerleaders can’t stand the thought of our dwindling veto power over our subjects’ destiny will be the end of civilians being destroyed with M16s. Sorry, blacks!

How To Kill An Atheist

1. Hit him in the neck with a brick.
2. Take his space helmet away at the last minute.
3. Set him on fire.
4. Wait about a century.
5. Nail him to a tree.
6. Shoot him often enough.
7. Shoot him too often.
8. Keep his hospital from treating his cancer.
9. Hit him near the neck with a brick.
10. Break him with a wheel.
11. Put him in a gas chamber for being a Jew.
12. Let him eat nothing but brass.
13. Delegate it to a mob het up by his honoring his Iraq-casualty sibling’s lack of faith.
14. Bombard him with a fatal level of radiation after his grip on the screwdriver holding you away from the other plutonium hemisphere slips.
15. Keelhaul him.
16. Break him without a wheel.
17. Put him in a gas chamber for having a shitty lawyer.
18. Find a way to give him kwashiorkor.
19. Hit a brick with his neck.
20. Pulp up a McSweeneys and feed it to him with arsenic.
21. Put him in Lyndon Johnson’s way.
22. Carve out his heart and eat it with chili to make sure the sun will rise next year.
23. With kindness and a dirk.
24. With just the dirk.
25. Get him and his idiot friend drunk and have them reenact that pencil thing the Joker did.
26. Wait until he’s black and about to use the phone and then shove him in front of a NYPD officer.
27. Put him in between fundamentalist oil warlords and wait.
28. Give him a blood transfusion before the vector for HIV is fully understood.
29. The same way that one guy did in that urban legend.
30. Use the brick again.
31. With a laser.
32. Provoke a nuclear war with needlessly aggressive military maneuvers just inside of Warsaw Pact radar.
33. Rob him of his manhood in the worst war in modern history and wait for machismo to take its course.
34. Refuse to heed warnings about the cold weather on Cape Canaveral.
35. Rend him asunder with a series of dogs.
36. Fill his uterus with air.
37. Botch any surgery you like.
38. Sandblast him.
39. Tell the Don about his wire.
40. Convince him to punch the President.
41. Leave him to the mercy of savage explorers with foreign germs.
42. With a .22, but don’t kill a mockingbird – they bring nothing but joy to the world.
43. Charge the stage and gut him with a katana.
44. Encourage him with likeable teen-oriented characters to regard a dangerous, addictive, and expensive habit as cool and desirable.
45. Grenade up the ass.
46. Get your running mate to convince a bunch of terrified wingnut cowards he’s a Muslim.
47. Too much or too little water.
48. Rip out his gonads and his head.
49. Treat his clearly suicidal behavior as part and parcel with his avant-garde literature.
50. Just keep shitting on him until he stops moving.
51. Bury him face-down in the sun.
52. Anthropomorphize large predators, render him retarded, and put him in the zoo.
53. Fire him from a cannon.
54. Just shoot him with the cannon.
55. Work him to death.
56. Literally throw him under the bus.
57. Pay him so much money to engage in highly competitive ceremonialized bloodsport that he is essentially forced to use performance-enhancing drugs, and wait for him to die of either injury or cirrhosis.
58. Go for the soft spot.
59. Use him as a pinata.
60. Manhandle him until he winds up in front of the third rail and pisses himself.
61. Paint him a completely unrealistic picture of ‘natural’ childbirth and let him exsanguinate a fifth of the time.
62. Fuck his brains out in a slasher pic.
63. Fuck his brains out anywhere else.
64. Drop a sledgehammer on him from a great height.
65. Really, anything that gets his brains out will do.
66. Throw a brick at his face.
67. Miss and hit him in the neck with a brick.
68. Have him help sign up and protect black voters in the 60s.
69. Convince him you need to practice your chainsawing.
70. Throw a series of switches after he has bade his heartwarming cinematic farewell.
71. Make sure he’s an Anne Rice character.
72. Punch a bunch of holes in his scuba gear.
73. Shoot him with a neurotoxin-tipped dart for invading your isolated clan’s territory.
74. Tell an important Russian he’s a communist / kulak.
75. Wait until September 9, 1976, assuming he’s Mao Zedong.
76. Tell your friends specific details about his ship’s route and cargo for no real reason.
77. Hook him on drugs and keep them illegal.
78. Get one of the other Minutemen to find the water they leave out for him and salt it.
79. Drive a wooden stake into his heart with a stout hammer.
80. Paint him with gold paint all the way and shiv him repeatedly.
81. Syphilis.
82. Marry an even older one and you won’t have to.
83. Keep on pistolwhipping him – it’s not as easy as the movies make it look.
84. Order the opposing gladiator to kill him.
85. Make him pretty and leave him in prison or the Eastern Front.
86. Keep air away from his brain.
87. Deliberately ignore him as you bulldoze Palestinian homes.
88. Piss on him, assuming you piss hydrofluoric acid.
89. Leave him unsupervised in his crib.
90. Participate in a culture of perfection which encourages him to out-pretty the other girls by starving himself.
91. Teach him the Method and film a Howard Hughes biopic with him.
92. Leave him to fend for himself in the cold ruins of American industry.
93. Get him to catch your darts.
94. Convince him that communism poses a grave threat to his homeland that can only be averted by surrendering his civilian life and killing things in a South Asian jungle, then wait until he falls onto a bunch of sticks with shit on them.
95. Cut him up and leave him in the refrigerator purely to screw with his husband, your superpowered nemesis.
96. Beat him to death with a plastic explosive.
97. Put him in Thunderdome until the law of averages wins out.
98. See to it he has incriminating information on the Clintons, then, with a solid axe, break open his ribs from behind and pull out his lungs.
99. Have a blacksmith forge him by mistake.
100. Tee him up to kick the football, and then – in an oft-repeated and soon-iconic moment symbolizing to a generation of Americans the caprice of luck, expectations, society, and the opposite sex, hit him in the neck with a brick.

Racism & Regionalism In The 2008 Election: High Yellow & High Cohee

There is a distinct area which many characterize as ‘Appalachia’ that emerges distinctly when you look at the counties that voted for McCain in 2008 by a higher margin than for Bush in 2004. The strong temptation is to write this off as ‘racism’, but I don’t think that’s technically accurate.

What must be remembered is the regional divide between what in Virginia were known as the ‘tuckahoe’ and ‘cohee’ – between the early Baptist Scots-Irish subsistence pastoralists and later primary truck-workers and the largely Anglican planter aristocracy which wound up decaying and then modernizing into what we know as the Deep South.

High & low Cohee, 1950-2000

These areas were electrified and linked firmly to the outside world in living memory; except for the areas overlapping with the Rust Belt they’ve never had a major stake in American exports or the global economy, and – most importantly – they were never host to any serious attempts at slave-holding plantations, were subject to only extremely sporadic and occasional black migration from the Deep South, and have never seen significant immigration and only very rarely have even seen internal emigration (the large exception being the initial wave of Scots-Irish settlers moving inward as usable tidewater land became valuable for cotton production and the pre-Revolutionary strictures on westward movement disappeared – and those largely settled the westward leg of the Cohee boomerang).

As Tim Krieder suggested in The Pain – When Will It End’s America’s Scum Belt, the motto of the area could well be ‘You ain’t from around here, are you?’ – not exactly hostile, but far from friendly, and a gentle and constant reminder of the area’s fundamental resistance to outside influence. The post-Civil War mainstreaming of pro-Confederate opinion in the area spawned the secondary, ahistoric rallying cry of the secessionist and states’ rights movement – ‘We just want to be left alone’.

Clinton’s campaign, which faced after Super Tuesday a primary map which was nothing like as favorable as she would have needed to cinch the nomination before the convention, realized that there was one reliable way to get the whites of the South, who had (with few exceptions) gained little from racism and didn’t hold the oppression of blacks as near and dear as the Republicans had hoped – pointing out Obama’s exoticness.

Not in general terms, either – he was an elitist! a bold young man, in stark contrast with the region’s tradition of political lifers! Maybe possibly just could be gay, certainly not a member of their church, and by God, a black- just like they have in Richmond!

This was a sound strategy for capturing the region, but the problem is that even coming from a campaign with reasonable liberal bonafides, the entire exercise stank to outside observers of racism. Clinton won Pennsylvania but lost the Carolinas, which should have been clear evidence that she wasn’t going to smash Obama in the border South so badly that the convention would decide anything.

Of course, there’s nothing the Republicans like more than other people’s ideas, and sure enough the McCain campaign decided to plagarize this one. They started drawing contrasts between the Democrats and ‘real Americans’, started calling the tidelanders Communists, started suggesting that Obama wasn’t just black but a dangerous radical.

This didn’t exactly endear him to the High Cohee – after all, they don’t believe they have a monopoly on being Americans, they were (witness Pogo, for Chrissake) pretty indifferent to red-baiting throughout modern history, and they had less objection to blackness per se than its presence in their lives.

But the fallout was incredible. In a moment, the flailing effort to capture the south of Virginia suddenly alienated everyone outside of its panhandle – he was clearly trying to pander to a group that everyone outside of Appalachia saw as ignorant hicks, and he wasn’t even doing it convincingly. You can excuse Clinton’s seeming race-baiting away on it simply being how things work in Appalachia, but a campaign comprising an Arizonan and an Alaskan couldn’t come even close to pretending that. It won him West Virginia, but it cracked the Republican hold on the Deep South – which knew and held in contempt the cohee opinion of their big-city decadence – and it’s probably opened a suppurating wound in the Southern Strategy.

In short: we can excuse away charges of ‘racism’ against the Clinton campaign on this basis. They knew the difference, in a way it would take someone from Appalachia to be familiar with, between hating blacks and holding everything outside the near and familiar world in a sort of sweeping contempt – but that difference never occurred to anyone on McCain’s staff. Huckabee might have been able to pull it off – but McCain’s dog whistle was never even close to inaudible. Heck of a job, Johnny.

Blue Silver: The Inscrutable Escape Of Nevada From The Swing States

Nevada is one of those states, common in but not exclusive to the West, where conventional partisan politics often have more to do with local loyalties than political ideology. In broad terms, you can see this in returns from prior elections: even in relatively good years for the Democrats, looking back at county-level elections shows even sparsely-populated Mineral County returning better results than than urban Storey and Washoe Counties, and Clark voting for the Democrat come hell or high water.

In this election, this shifted massively; while Obama only did marginally better at the polls in Clark than John Kerry or Al Gore, even having one of the country’s strongest rates of urban growth couldn’t account for the 14-point blowout in what would normally be an intensely divided state – a state which had favored McCain in the polls for most of the year and which had never been more than five points out of reach.

It has been common to suggest that the Republicans stayed home or refused to stand by McCain, but did not actively support Obama. This, too, is seriously difficult to defend: states like Nevada and Montana (which saw a similarly dramatic shift this year without actually changing colors) would be a natural lock for the Barr campaign – especially Nevada, where Paul came in second to Romney in the Republican caucus well before Romney reinvented himself as Reagan Junior. But the third-party vote was minuscule.

What has happened in Nevada is twofold:

1. The fall of the house of Bush
Nevada is, with the exception of a few issues like gun control and taxes, extremely middle-of-the-road politically. This has created an enormous problem for the local Republican party, which lacks the tradition of local independence that kept the GOP alive in New England a generation after its time. Between that and the uniquely distant relationship the local theocrats have with the national religious right (oppose Utah, where the local Republicans are strong enough and have enough power over politics that they could push the electorate to vote for Jack Chick), the last four years have been absolutely brutal on the state Republican machine.

2. The Generational Swing
As far as I’m concerned, the factor in John McCain’s loss of the Reno metro is the incoming generation. Unlike their parents and grandparents, they were born and raised in a Reno which played cultural and economic second fiddle to Vegas. The Faustian pact with the largely rural, right-wing and Mormon east no longer had the gravity that got it formed in the first place; Reno’s movers and shakers, who have been faced for the whole of their generation with the binary choice between fleeing the Carson City ship or going down with it, have accepted that the Democrats are much more likely to benefit them as members of the urban middle-class.

Between these factors, we saw not just a slight uptick in Clark’s Democratic margin, but a violent, sudden shift by Washoe and Story to the blue. What remains to be seen is whether a new coalition will form, producing a state governed by an urban cordillera in competition with its exurbs and rural hinterland – or whether this election is a fluke. In the latter case, a good Republican candidate might just get Nevada close; in the former case, it might just be as accessible to the GOP as Vermont.

BREAKING – MUST CREDIT *DANCING*

SAMBO BEATS BITCH; ASKS AMERICA FOR COOPERATION, RESOLVE, LOCATION OF WHITE WOMEN

The Kitchen Sink

The current raft of talking points being run against Obama by the McCain campaign indicate that McCain’s people had planned at some point on Israel being a major selling point. The belief that elderly Jewish voters formed a swing bloc in Florida was crusty when McCain’s running mate was up in the air (nobody who’s been in America long enough to see Arabs as implacable race-enemies to Israel would also automatically associate blacks with anti-Semitic radicalism), and as has been repeatedly documented, the choice of an evangelical kulturkampfist seems to be enough to push non-Democratic Jewish seniors away from McCain.

What we’re seeing now is the McCain campaign’s early September attack lines from an alternate universe in which the RNC opened with the selection of Joe Lieberman as a running-mate. Lieberman could and – disgustingly – probably would convincingly argue that Khalidi is a dangerous pro-Palestinian radical; the best Palin can do is shout – with increasing vehemence at an unhearing crowd – “The new President is a niggarab!” It’s one of a series of loud, shrill dog-whistles that was clearly planned for a different campaign; the Republicans are currently running McCain’s campaign with Schmidt’s tactics, a kind of nasty compromise that pleases nobody, makes the paternal autocrats look petty and the fascist parvenus look over-grasping.

I suspect the next attack line is probably going to be an effort by McCain to spin the disastrous campaign against Lebanon as a triumph of democracy, followed by most of Election Day spent shrieking about how Obama doesn’t care about Israel. Short of calling him a secret Chinaman, I can’t imagine what the fuck else the Republicans have left.

The Decideress, Or: We Have Killed The Belugas

“Mister President, count back from a hundred for me,” said the fat woman. “One hundred,” said the fat man, “ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety.”

John McCain had a number of severe health problems, all aggravated by his experience as a prisoner of war for the bulk of the conflict in Vietnam. Downed after his twenty-third bombardment mission against North Vietnam, he could do little but cheer as Nixon, elected on the promise to end the war honorably, stepped up the bombardment of Vietnam, extending it quietly to Cambodia.

Some wiseass knew they could count on her when the old man went under, and it hadn’t been fifteen minutes before Belya Revolutsiya had sent out texts to all of its members. The leak, who would remain anonymous to history, honestly thought something good would come of this; that freedom would be spread and the Bear’s iron heel caught in a steel trap. Read more »

To Know Which Way The Wind Blows

So McCain and Palin have been trotting out the asinine canard about Bill Ayers; the slur has always been a little ridiculous, appealing to a convoluted guilt-by-colocation hermeneutic and a kind of racism which is politically dead. ‘Barack Hussein Obama, ergo wooga-booga Mahometan’ aims for a relatively open and well-understood set of fears, but does so in such an obvious and malignant way that it’s actually impossible to do without it backfiring. The Ayers slur, as much as it’s racially charged, relies on associating any politically active black man with radical Marxism – a well-pedigreed bit of right-wing hysteria evolving from the converse, back when being black was regarded as inherently offensive and ‘socialist’ wasn’t automatically abusive. It seems likely that Bill Penn, in pushing the Ayers-radical storyline, chose fairly shrewdly – it lacks even the most basic corraborating detail (the closest anyone can associate the two is sitting on a board together with Republicans, independents, and non-political figures to improve education), and it appeals to something far-fetched enough that someone would really have to be desperate to vote against a black man to connect the dots on it.

The Democratic caucus, owing to a hypertrophied sense of conservative perfidy and backwardness, is profoundly reluctant to accept people for a number of reasons. Feingold would face serious difficulties if he were the only challenger in the field; Frank would be turned down in favor of even some nonentity like Warner, and God forbid we found an actual Arab. The Bradley Effect seems to be much more prominent internally than externally.

But whatever people might think of black people in the aggregate – and it’s true that the conservative part of the electorate is fairly backwards about this – any but the most lurid racists have internalized the meritocratic idea central to America sufficiently that even groups who can be vilified in polite society could still make their way into office. Between that and its relative obscurity, attempting to prove that Obama was the devious protege of the Weathermen by pointing to a picture of him and saying “See? Black!” doesn’t work for anyone who could be expected to vote for a black man to begin with.

All of this has occurred to the Bush/McCain electoral team; what their using the Ayers meme indicates is that their opposition research has turned up nothing and they’re beginning to go into a shrieking panic. The slur, unsurprisingly, gains nothing by Palin’s usual half-baked country-frying; I’m not confident that ‘palling around’ is ever even used the way she meant it, but who knows.

At this point, McCain is down no less than 5 points and possibly as much as 12, he needs to win not only every state currently voting for him but every state leaning towards Obama – especially a seemingly unwinnable Florida and an increasingly hostile Ohio and Virginia – and all he’s got left up his sleeve is a shotgun wedding. This is what it means that he’s throwing shit like this up in the air – he’s having Palin shout about Ayers because it’s less embarrassing than anything else she could do, and that’s saying a lot.

The Emperor Has Intrinsic Authority To Throw Children To Lions (As Long As They’re Not Grown Adults Pretending To Be Children)

Max Hardcore pays a young masochist to get kicked around for commercial gain, he goes to jail.

John Woo condemns millions of friends, enemies, and citizens of America alike to horrifying torture and death (almost all of it directly and obscenely lascivious and corrupt) primarily to satisfy some kind of sick partisan fealty, he winds up in line for a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

And the election is, of course, now about whether or not the candidate opposed to this sat at the same table as a jumped-up hippie anarchist.

Stop the planet of the apes, I want to get off.

Blogatelle V: The Empire Strikes Back

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2008/09/john-mccain-fri.html
http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2008/09/bad-touch.html

WHAT THE FUCK

edit: GO TEAM RAPE

(also: http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/junk/GoTeamRape.jpg)

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